That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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