Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
