If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
