im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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