I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
