It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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