you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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