He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
whose ass print is on the piano?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
