my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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