i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
