i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
