I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
