he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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