Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
