I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize