U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize