Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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