Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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