Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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