I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
