Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize