my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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