Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
