Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Randomize
