Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
