im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
