You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My ass is underappreciated
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
