that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
