where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
