so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
