Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
