apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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