dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
