What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
