I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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