Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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