Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
