Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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