I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
