I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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