It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
