Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
