that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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