im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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