i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
