this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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