It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
