Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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