If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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