Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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