Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
