well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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