I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
did you just send me my own nude
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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