Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
