Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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