That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
