I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
