My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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