Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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