Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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